Reason number one: I will have to attempt to socialize with the other mothers. This probably sounds bad and anti-social of me. I have a really hard time identifying with and finding things in common other mothers. For over a decade these people were "the enemy". That also sounds bad. But to a woman trying to get pregnant, these are the women with seemingly perfect lives, with perfect families, and perfect children that were easy to get. When you struggle with infertility year after year sooner or later it becomes "us against them" everywhere you go. That feeling was then amplified when, in addition to not being able to conceive naturally, Aiden was born so premature. I feel like I have completely different concerns than other parents of toddlers and completely different things to deal with. I struggle bridging the gap between my experience raising a developmentally delayed preemie and their experience of raising a developmentally on track healthy child. I don't even know how old to tell other mothers he is. I feel like I don't know how to talk to them.
Reason number two: I was afraid that he would act different from all the other kids. I was afraid he would scream at the other children, steal their toys, and freak out over the loud sounds. I was afraid that he wouldn't be able to keep up with the other kids. I do everything I can to help him developmentally at home, but I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it in a group setting with Aiden's peers. I was afraid that his sensory issues would prevent him from being able to participate or have any fun. I was afraid that he would have no social skills and he would not be able to connect at all with the other kids.
Great, after taking years to overcome all my own insecurities, I am now insecure for my child. And I don't want to be, because I don't want him to be insecure about being who he is.
So, I took him to his first class at "My Gym" today. It was time to deal with all those fears. It went better and worse than I thought it would. There were a lot of toddlers there. A lot. It was loud and chaotic. There were some snotty women there. And that kid uncontrollably screaming, freaking out during circle time? He was mine. He couldn't do everything that the other kids could. But, he had a GREAT time wandering around and climbing on the play mats and playing with all the balls and toys. He laughed and smiled when I pushed him on the little dolphin swings. He went into the little circus tent to play puppets with the other kids. He was also the only kid trying to knock the tent down. But, that is actually really funny now that I think about it. At the end of the class, he sat with me about 5 feet outside the circle and clapped along with the "good-bye" song that he recognized from babyTV. And he smiled.
I talked to a couple of the other mom's, it wasn't so scary, I told them the truth. I told them his real age. I told them how early he was. I told them developmentally he was still catching up. They were amazed at Aiden's start and impressed at how far he had come. One mother overheard me talking and asked me what I did to cause him to be born so early. Boo on her. She was a snot to all the "new" mothers anyway.
Am I dreading taking him back there? Um, yeah. Am I going to? Absolutely, because how can I expect Aiden to overcome his fears if I can't overcome mine? I don't want him to think for a second that he can't do something or think for a second that he is not normal. I don't want him always sitting on the sidelines. So I have to. I want to. And I will.
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