Wake me up when September ends

I am usually a pretty secretive person, I don't tell people the "bad" stuff. Right now, I need to let something out, I am tired of keeping things in all the time, I am tired of feeling like I am keeping some dirty little secret. Maybe I don't talk about things because it makes me feel weak, like I should be stronger and not need help. Maybe I do it because I really don't think people want to hear about the bad things. Life is hard enough as it is without hearing more bad news. Like I said, right now, I need to get it out. For myself.

A little over a month ago I lost a baby. I was about 10 weeks along. I would have been due at the end of September. We knew what the odds were that it would be healthy, we knew that we had a 50% chance of the pregnancy ending in miscarriage, so we decided not to tell a lot of people. Our odds of miscarriage are higher for reasons that are a whole different post - one that will be coming - because I am tired of not talking about that either. Most people know that Aiden was conceived via In Vitro Fertilization, this baby was not. Needless to say, we were shocked when that second little line appeared on the pregnancy test. We have only conceived naturally twice in 14 years. Yes, twice, this was not my first miscarriage.

I have a great doctor, he knew our situation and he let me come in for an ultrasound every week. My first miscarriage happened at 16 weeks, but the baby actually passed away at 12 weeks, and I had no idea. It was horrible, the whole situation. There was no way that I was not going to monitor this one as closely as possible. Every week that went by I felt more comfortable, every flicker of the heartbeat on that ultrasound machine made me feel like I was going to be a momma again, Aiden was going to be a big brother. I was almost convinced that this was going to be a success story, that something was going to be easy for once. Then, at my 10 week appointment, for the first time I couldn't see that little flicker on the ultrasound machine. I didn't have to wait for the doctor to tell me. I knew. I turned off inside. I did not shed a tear. All I could focus on was getting out the door, through the waiting room full of pregnant bellies. I wanted to get home to be with Aiden as quickly as I could.

Two days later I went in for a D&C, because there were no signs that things were going to happen naturally any time soon. At least this time I was under anesthetic and didn't go through the horrible ordeal that I went through the first time.

I don't think there are coincidences in life. I don't think it was a coincidence that I found out I was pregnant with my first baby in September and that this baby was due in September. I don't think it was a coincidence that there was a double rainbow on the way to my doctor's appointment that day. I don't think it was coincidence that the song that I listened to over and over when I was recovering from my first loss played twice on the radio that day when I honestly never hear it. That song still makes so much sense to me.

I have been struggling for the last month. Struggling because I was supposed to be prepared for a loss, because I already have Aiden and I remember everyday what it was like to want just one baby so badly, because we knew our odds, because I had been through this before, because if one had to pick a way to have a miscarriage mine was the easiest. But, trust me, when this happens, no matter what, you are never prepared.

Never.

I feel like I am not allowed to be upset. A miscarriage is a terrible kind of loss. People don't always know you were pregnant, you have nowhere to go to remember this little person, and people expect you to get over it faster because you never really "knew" the baby. It's so hard because in those first few weeks the only one who feels that baby and tangibly knows is there is the Mother, the Mother gets sick and tired and emotional and deliriously happy about all of it. The Mother thinks of that baby all day everyday. The Mother becomes protective of that baby the second the pink line appears on that little stick. I'm not saying that it is not hard on the Father, too. But, I guarantee that it is not the same.

In my case everyone who knew, also knew our odds which made it easier for them to not get attached. But for me, I got attached, I had no choice. As much as I would love to be logical about it, I am not. That was a child of mine. I am the mother of 3 children. It is simply not fair to never acknowledge that two of them existed.

And tonight I got the phone call. The phone call confirming the reason why the baby did not make it. The phone call that has now put a little face to my loss, I was going to have a baby boy. And I can't stop thinking about him.

I don't have closure yet, I don't have a line to end this post that makes it all better. I am still struggling to understand why this happened. I just needed to talk about it. Because to talk about it is to know they existed, to talk about it is a way for me to remember those babies. I know what I tell people so that they think I am OK, but I know that nothing makes it OK. I know that there are 2 babies up there, somewhere, waiting to meet their Mother one day.

From the top left - 8 week ultrasound and the 8 week baby belly, positive pregnancy tests, 6 week ultrasound and that last picture was me having a little "morning" sickness - I took the picture because this time, I was documenting everything. Sadly, I don't have any pictures of my first pregnancy or ultrasounds, and I never found out for sure why I lost that baby.

Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Did not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

-"The Scientist" by Coldplay