I still don't believe that it has been 2 years since he was born. He has flipped our world around and changed our lives - in the best way. When I think about those first few days, not knowing what the future would hold, if he would make it home to us or if we would leave the hospital without our son, I can't believe we even held ourselves together - I can't believe we actually made it through all of it. I know that the are are people who think we should be over it, that now that he has been home for almost 2 years that we should move on, People who think that we are "dwelling" on his rough start when we talk about it, or remember it. But, those are the people who never went through what we went through. It was traumatic, but it was his birth - everyone tells the story of their child's birth and the "newborn" days on their child's birthday. Our story was just different.
It changed our lives, but I know one day I won't remember all the details and all the emotions we had. All I will remember is that he was born early, he weighed 1 lb. 13 oz. and he was very sick. Which is why I kept a journal while he was in the NICU and while I was pregnant and on bed rest. I kept track of how I felt and how Aiden was doing every day.
This is the entry from the day he was born.
Date: 11/23/08
Week: 27 1/7
Mom: Placenta abrupted, feeling scared, hopeful and totally in love with her baby
Baby: Very sick, but such a little fighter
Visitors: Nana Robyn, Papa John, Aunt Sara, Auntie Heather
Dear Aiden,
Well, I guess today is your birthday. It's hard to believe that just a few hours ago I was just watching a movie. Now that you're here I just can't believe it. I can't believe how much I love you after just seeing your sweet little struggling face for 5 minutes and getting to touch you - so lightly. Although it made me cry, it was the happiest moment of my life. I just keep repeating in my head "please let Aiden live, please let him get healthy and come home with us". I can see your whole life in front of us and just want you to fight. To make it. Your little lungs are so small and you are struggling. I wish so badly that there was something I could do to help you. I wish I could do it all for you. It is so hard to see you with so many tubes and machines. It breaks my heart that my body could not support you longer.
Your so fragile right now and you change every hour. You have 2 chest tubes in your right lung, a ventilator is breathing for you and the doctor started you on nitric oxide to help your pulmonary hypertension. You have an IV in your umbilical cord that you get medicine and nutrition through. You have had to have a blood transfusion and they tell us to prepare for more. Your so unstable right now, every time the door opens, I get scared - especially when it is one of your doctors. I just want to wrap my arms around you, comfort you, make it all better and take you home.
I get flashes of you growing up - running around the house as a toddler, going to Kings games with daddy during grade school, driving a car for the first time when you are a teenager. I just want you to get those experiences. Trick or treating, dying Easter eggs, Christmas tree hunting - you deserve a chance to do all those fun things with your mommy and daddy. I love you so much! Daddy loves you so much, I have never seen him so worried before, even though he tries to stay strong for mommy. He wants you to get better so so badly. So does all your family. You will love playing with your cousins and staying overnight with Nana and Papa - not that mommy will ever want to be without you! You have so much to live for, so much to get better for. So keep fighting. Keep hanging in there. I promise that all your struggling now will be so so worth it.
You will have a great, happy life full of love, happiness and family. And food, really good food. I wish that I could take all the pain from you and I feel like I can't do much to make you better. All I can do is send you all my love, all my hope for your future and all my positive thoughts to keep you spirit up. Just know that everyone loves you and is routing for you to be healthy and make it through this difficult time. I love you, Daddy loves you.
Love,
Mommy
P.S. I know that you will have some things to overcome later in life, but we can get through anything if you can get through this. Other struggles will be minor and we can get through it together, I promise :)
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| This was the first time I saw Aiden, he was about 10 hours old |
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| And this is now :) |
1 comment:
I remember that day so well. A heartbreaking and scary day for all of us. You and Jeremy and little Aiden pulled through out of sheer determination to be a family. He was meant for you. You two are awesome parents and should be so proud. I don't think he would have made it without you two!! He is such a sweet miracle!! We love him so much!!
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